Great expectations (of oneself).
Driven, motivated, achievement-oriented. Sound like you? Our society encourages a certain degree of achievement and ambition as part of its definition of success. But for some, the need to push further and advance/create/produce more never ends, and can create a feeling in the person that they can never really stop going. For these people, nothing will ever be good enough. This is known as an unrelenting standards schema (see the previous post on another schema, self-sacrifice, for an overview of what schemas are).
People with this pattern of being may be excessively focused on details, being on time, being efficient, or adhering rigidly to rules. They often have many “shoulds” they feel like they, well, should follow. They might be excessively focused on their appearance or body shape, cleanliness of their house, or getting excellent grades. Things are never good enough, and once something is achieved the person is usually straight onto the next task.
“Perfectionism” is a word I try not to use in explaining this schema. Inevitably, the person to whom it applies doesn’t self-identify as a perfectionist - because, they tell me, they don’t do anything as perfectly as they should!
How are these unrelenting standards developed? One possibility is that they were modelled by parents who had very high expectations for themselves. Parents may also have implicitly communicated to their child the idea that praise or love are contingent upon certain things being done perfectly/quickly/quietly/to specifications. They may have been explicitly critical. Alternatively, these standards may represent a form of overcompensation for an underlying core of low self-esteem: a feeling that I must hide my fundamental inadequacy as a person by covering it up with achievements.
The pros of unrelenting standards include:
1) You may be considered a go-getter, or a high-achiever. The constant pressure to move forward means you’ll likely be someone who gets things done. Most people accept that this is a good thing, and workplaces, families, and a whole range of other social institutions will praise you for it.
2) Anxiety is kept at bay. A deeper sense of inadequacy is temporarily warded off by the continued progress or achievement.
The cons of unrelenting standards may be:
1) Adhering to this life perspective makes it very difficult to relax. There’s always more to do - just sitting down can feel anxiety-provoking, wrong.
2) Sometimes, these unrealistic standards are also imposed upon close others. This is not helpful, as those without the same schema simply can’t live up to them. Relationships can become unsatisfying, and others may feel harassed or view you as uptight and unavailable. This can foster a sense of isolation.
3) There’s no real experience of satisfaction. Achievements are viewed as merely meeting a minimal requirement, and so there’s no chance to bask in some well-earned glory. No pat on the back at all.
4) Any mistakes are devastating. There is no ability to accept mistakes as a normal part of being a human. Hence, when they occur, you might fester on them for months and beat yourself up about them. You might try to compensate for these by setting the bar even higher, and working harder - and the cycle continues.
I find that many different types of people deal with this particular schema. Doctors, lawyers, teachers. Students. Many Mums, and Dads as well. Young people and those in their middle age. If it’s you, consider: how do you speak to yourself about your achievements and failures? Can you acknowledge both in a balanced, realistic, and fair way? Do those close to you perceive you to be too hard on yourself? If so, could you take the pressure off in some areas?