Relationships: meant to be hard work?
Much of what people talk about in therapy tends to be connected to their relationships. These are, after all, the most important and complex things we all deal with in life.
Many people feel fearful that talking about clashes and frustrations with their partner in therapy bodes poorly on the relationship. Does this mean your relationship is wrong? A mistake? Are you with the wrong person?
The answer: maybe. But not usually. I’d say it’s pretty normal to experience our longer-term relationships as being quite hard work, because they are!
Once we get past the initial flush of attraction and love, staying in a relationship with another person requires a great deal of patience and the ability to look kindly upon the other person’s idiosyncrasies. It involves lots of difficult conversations and work on oneself to understand what particular patterns in thinking and being you bring to the dynamic, and how this plays out, sometimes in self-defeating ways, with the other person.
All of this may sound quite bleak, but I think it can also be quite cheering: the concept of ideal romantic love sold to us in movies and books doesn’t exist. Alain de Botton in his book The Course of Love notes that even the adoring love of wonderful parents in childhood leaves us a bit unreasonable in our expectations of our partners:
“We take this idea of love with us into adulthood. Grown up, we hope for a re-creation of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged. In a secret corner of our mind, we picture a lover who will anticipate our needs, read our hearts, act selflessly and make everything better. It sounds ‘romantic’; yet it is a blueprint for disaster.”
So, when you have a disagreement, though you may be tempted to spiral into dark thoughts about your poor choice of partner, try to first slow down and take a breath. They may have done or said something that to you seems totally idiotic, but can you try to come at it from their perspective? How can you let them know how it’s made you feel?
One factor that is truly problematic in a relationship is a lack of communication. Sometimes this comes from one or both partners maintaining a stance of outright hostility or even detachment towards the other. However, sometimes the reasons for holding back seem more benign. For example, people often say to me “I couldn’t talk to my partner about how I feel because don’t want to upset them or put them in a bad position…” This still represents a block in communication, and is not often helpful.
At different times in life communication in relationships will inevitably go through ups and downs, but it’s worth being mindful about how open you’re both being as a good measure of the relationship’s health. Some resources to start you off on reflecting on the quality of your relationship, and some basic tools for communication include:
The Gottman Institute - the Gottman approach is evidence-based to improve relationships. See this site for all kinds of useful resources.
Esther Perel’s resources for couples - Esther is a couples’ therapist who shares some great insights for successful intimacy. Her podcast of live therapy sessions with couples, Where Should we Begin, is also a must.
Relationships Australia - if you need more extensive assistance, contact Relationships Australia for access to counselling services. They also run some great courses for improving parenting and family interactions.
**An important note: this article is NOT intended to justify relationship situations that are unhealthy to the point of being emotionally, physically, or financially abusive. If you or someone close to you is in a harmful situation, 1800 RESPECT is the first stop to seeking help: https://www.1800respect.org.au/