The downside to self-sacrifice.
Self-sacrifice refers to a pattern of relating to other people in which one focuses on meeting the needs of others above their own needs. In this post, I’ll talk about what this looks like, where it comes from, and the pros and cons of this interpersonal pattern.
The person who self-sacrifices is your typical “giver” or “caretaker.” They’re the person who is kind; the one who is generous with their funds, time, or emotional energy. They say “yes” whenever someone needs help, especially when it comes to those they’re closest to. They rarely get cranky with other people, and indeed, sometimes report that the emotion of anger is totally foreign to them.
At first glance, this person just seems like they’re a very nice person. However, at a deeper level, those with an entrenched self-sacrifice schema (a pervasive pattern of thinking, feeling, and being that begins developing in early childhood - we all have certain ones) feel this is the only way they can be. At their core, someone with this schema feels they aren’t acceptable or good enough UNLESS they put other people’s emotional or physical needs before their own. They may feel great anxiety at the thought of prioritising themselves over others. At the extreme, they may be completely disconnected from their own feelings and needs.
This pattern of being in the world can develop in response to a number of different childhood scenarios. Often, a child learns to self-sacrifice when they face a situation in which they must grow up too soon and become the caregiver for a parent or sibling - sometimes referred to as a parentified child. However, any situation in which a child receives reward or praise for being selfless or taking responsibility for others can contribute to this. The result is a person who, consciously or unconsciously, is eventually driven by an avoidance of guilt and a fear of not receiving love unless taking care of others.
The pros of self-sacrifice primarily centre around two things:
1) People love you! Who doesn’t love a person who never asks anything of them, and who is constantly offering to help out (even at their own expense)? A lot of lovely compliments and positive feedback come your way - and the pattern is encouraged to continue.
2) Conflict is avoided. If you never say no, it’s easy to avoid confrontations - at least in the short-term.
The cons of self-sacrifice are:
1) Needs go unmet. Over a long period, the person who self-sacrifices becomes exhausted and stressed out. Their health may deteriorate, and whilst they feel good about helping others, they do not allow themselves a chance to be personally cared for.
2) Resentment builds. Giving and giving without getting anything in return - often because nothing is ever asked for - inevitably leads to resentment. People who self-sacrifice bristle at this one, because they truly don’t expect anything in return. They’re not trying to build favours. Nevertheless, constantly pouring out your emotional cup without having anyone else return the favour can only ever lead to resentment. In addition, the submissive interpersonal approach of the self-sacrificer will sometimes attract the opposite types of people - those who need a lot and struggle to give much at all. Not a great combination.
3) Outbursts occur - eventually. Like a shaken bottle, people who never show their emotion or needs will feel the pressure mount over time. At some point, they will explode with frustration. For example, they’ll lash out at their partner over an objectively small request - it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. These outbursts can feel devastating for the self-sacrificer, as they are out of alignment with their values of helping others. They can induce severe guilt, and reinforce the belief that “I must be kind and suppress my feelings so as not to push others away.”
4) It’s not really possible to be fully known by another person. Constant denial of emotions and needs, both with others and often even within oneself, prevent complete openness and vulnerability with another - the key to strong, intimate relationships.
If any of the above describes you, it may be worth further examining your beliefs and approach to things. You don’t have to ditch your caring side completely, but if you struggle to ask for things for yourself, there can be big consequences of this: for you, but also ironically, for others as well. You could start to shift this pattern by experimenting with things like saying “no” sometimes - how does this sit with you? What comes of it? If you need further help around a pattern of self-sacrifice, reach out and speak with a therapist.