Grief.
You may be lucky enough (i.e., blessed to have had opportunities to build a high level of resilience and self-worth) to have dodged the experience of a significant mental health difficulty such as depression or anxiety. However, the one kind of psychic pain we will all inevitably face is grief.
When is grief experienced?
Grief is the universal experience of pain in response to a loss. Death is a part of life that we all avoid thinking about until it happens, but it’s the most obvious event leading to grief. However, there are any number of losses we may experience in life, and therefore any number of events which may render us overcome by grief. Some types of significant losses often encountered include (but are not limited to):
The end of a relationship - even one that has turned out to be toxic or unhealthy in some way.
The end of a pregnancy at any stage. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and sometimes termination can trigger grief. Sadly, these are still taboo subjects, which means that women and men experiencing them all too often miss out on having their loss recognised.
Injury, disease, or disability that in some way changes our level of independence or sense of identity, or that of someone close to us.
Leaving a work role - whether through your own choice or that of someone (or something) else.
The end of a dream or an imagined life. Even things that have yet to come to fruition can trigger grief.
Changes in way of life - COVID-19 has brought about many collective losses, and in turn, experiences of grief at the societal level.
What is normal grieving?
When we lose something of value to us, our sense of safety is often challenged and our way of being in the world is changed. For monumental losses, there is a sense of before and after as we feel we are no longer the person we were before the loss occurred.
There is no “normal” grieving - it looks different for everyone. Many people cry, some people don’t. It’s usually a rollercoaster of emotions, with some hard days and some less hard days. Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s.
Although there’s no normal, it’s also true that some situations can cause grief to be more complex - for example, if you lose a loved one with whom you had a difficult relationship. If you are simply avoiding the grief altogether, and trying not to experience it, that might also be a problem. Grief is one of those things that needs to be acknowledged or it will usually find a way to come out somehow. Better to try to find ways to connect with your own sadness, whether that’s through speaking about it; searching for art, music, or words that express some of what you feel; or finding something else helps you be with your grief.
Can speaking to a psychologist help?
“It is what it is. Can’t change anything now, just have to accept it.”
It’s true that as a Clinical Psychologist, when I meet someone experiencing grief, it’s a bit different to meeting with someone with a psychological disorder: there’s nothing I can do to help change reverse that grief. However, whilst working towards a level of acceptance of the loss is part of the process, it’s not the case that therapy around the loss is useless. Individuals will experience a loss in very different ways, even if it’s a shared loss. Therefore, their journey through the grief will be unique - and talking to someone at various stages of this journey is usually beneficial. Often, it’s helpful for this to be someone outside of the situation, like a therapist. There’s a need to understand all aspects of the loss in order to begin working to rebuild after it, and that’s definitely something we can help with.
If you’re struggling with grief in its early or later stages and want a safe space to figure out how to be with it, I encourage you to reach out to your GP to connect with a psychologist near you.