In defence of having a good cry
I must confess that I love a good cry from time to time. I generally find a sense of release in crying, especially when the tears come from a place of frustration, overwhelm, or even plain old sadness. I cry when I witness love (pretty much every wedding I have ever attended), or when I feel profoundly moved by someone else’s struggle or bravery.
Sometimes I am even prone to putting on a sad movie or music that resonates with me when I feel like I need to let some sort of emotion out. It can make me feel more human, more alive.
So, I’m probably biased, but I always admire clients allowing their tears to fall when in session with me. It’s a show of strength to be able to sit in your emotion, and to express it. It’s never something to feel shame about, or to try to suppress. It’s a natural outward sign of inner feeling.
But what is the purpose of crying, really? It has been suggested that crying serves two main functions: intrapersonal and interpersonal. Within oneself, crying does indeed seem to frequently (though not always) serve to re-balance us by allowing a release of distress and tension. At the social level, crying may signal to others our pain and tends to elicit empathy and increased support, thus increasing our feelings of connection.
On the flip side, what if you’re someone that’s never found a solid weep to be beneficial, or perhaps finds it hard to cry at all?
Before beginning my work as a therapist, I was often a bit baffled by people who claim they simply cannot cry. If this is you - you’re not alone. I’ve since realised there are just as many people who very rarely cry as there are who do it weekly. It may be that you don’t cry often because you are a bit more in your rational brain as opposed to the emotional brain. You might tend to analyse things in an intellectual way, and as such avoid much emotional expression. It could also be that you’ve been trained through your life to avoid crying, perhaps explicitly by parents who were uncomfortable with what tears meant. Alternatively, perhaps you have been put out by others around you who take up a bit too much of your space with their own emotions - and yes, even I’ll admit it is possible to cry too much!
A quick Google will show you a million articles on The Benefits of Crying - not unlike this one. However, there is some research that suggests that people like me who appreciate some sobbing may skew the picture. Crying seems to actually improve mood in only 1/3 of instances. Whether or not it helps can depend on things like current environment (is it supportive or rejecting of the emotion?), and emotional state (if you are currently depressed or anxious, it can feel less helpful - unfortunately). Hopefully, therapy, some close relationships, and your own company are spaces where you could feel safe to cry if you need to.
It’s worth considering your relationship with crying, and perhaps re-examining it. If you view tears as a sign of weakness, mental illness, or attention-seeking - why? If you are able, next time your eyes prickle you might try to lean into it - your own sadness can usually tell you a bit about what you need to feel better.
Sources:
Rottenberg, J., Bylsma, L.M., Vingerhoets, A.J.J.M. (2008). Is crying beneficial? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 17(6), https://journals-sagepub-com.ezproxy.lib.swin.edu.au/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2008.00614.x
Taylor, T. (November, 2018) Is crying good for you? The ups and downs of emotional tears, https://www.abc.net.au/news/health/2018-11-22/crying-is-it-good-for-you/10518322