F*** it
If you've ever struggled with your relationship with food, you'll be well aware of the "fuck it" moment.
You try to be careful and eat really "well" or "clean" all morning. But then the temptation of the Monte Carlos in the cupboard gets to be too much, and after much internal debate you finally eat one. It's really good (all that chewy, pink, goodness), so you have another - and before you know it, there's only one left in the pack.
That's not actually the "fuck it" bit - that comes next, when your inner critic switches on and tells you that you've messed it up so badly, you may as well keep going. Get back on the bandwagon tomorrow, and in the meantime - go hell for leather on whatever "bad" food is left in the pantry. For some with disordered eating, this can go into the realm of a full-blown binge episode. But even if it's not to this extreme, if you view going off your eating plan a terrible, unforgivable sin, you'll inevitably find yourself left feeling a sense of shame and helplessness.
Why do you eat like this? The thing to understand is this: no-one eats perfectly all the time. Nobody! Life is messy and unpredictable, and we don't only eat because our body is ready for the next re-fuelling. We eat because it's someone's birthday, because we had a rough day. We eat because we bought a nice loaf of sourdough from the markets, and we've got some fancy butter to slather on it. We eat because we want to. The most boring people you'll meet are those that don't allow themselves to enjoy food - and how many of those have you met in real life, anyway?
The difference for someone who struggles with repeated fuck it moments is not their lack of willpower: it's the struggle itself. Think about the person you know who seem not to worry much at all about what they eat, but whose weight stays relatively stable. I would hazard a guess many of them choose not to go into battle with themselves when they get Macca’s for lunch: instead they simply enjoy it, and move on to the next thing.
Indeed, "starting again on Monday" is not about being weak-willed - rather than being too soft, I reckon it’s usually the marker of someone who leans towards being quite harsh on themselves. Self-punishing, even, in a way that sometimes causes you to do penance through eating in a way that doesn't make you feel good. You’re then left feeling out of control, which is a pretty helpless and dis-empowered space to inhabit. All because you may have eaten one small, insignificant, non-perfect thing (and yes – even half a dozen donuts won’t automatically increase your weight by 2kg) – and subsequently raked yourself over the coals.
If you relate to some of these feelings, take some time to reflect on how you speak to yourself: do you build your self up and acknowledge your own flawed human-ness? Also, try to figure out: what are the things that trigger you to feel you’ve fucked up? It might be you’re pushing yourself too hard, diet-wise - being too restrictive. It might be feeling emotionally deprived. It might be others’ comments. It might be Instagram – I’ve deleted all the health food accounts I once followed because they just made me feel inadequate! Remember, dieting culture makes money (and a boatload of it) out of making you feel bad about yourself.
I’ll write a separate post on how to work to heal this issue in yourself – just know it’s a process. Start observing yourself as a starting point, and see if you can respond differently to your next totally normal, totally human, fuck it experience.