Vanquish your inner critic (or maybe just kind of shush it for a second)
How’s your relationship with you?
When I ask this question, many of my clients respond by listing their self-care activities: exercise routines, watching their caffeine and alcohol intake, and occasional meditation (or at least, best intentions re. the above). These practices get my tick of approval, and the fact that so many people at least try to balance responsibilities with the pursuit of health and hobbies is definitely a sign of the changing times.
But what I really want to know is: how do you speak to yourself? What is your internal dialogue like - is it kind, or does it tend towards being harsh, mean, or downright soul-crushing? When you make a mistake in your life, how long do you make yourself feel bad about it?
We all have an inner critic - the voice in our head (one of many) that points out what we've done wrong. Ideally, our critic can be what we might think of as our “conscience.” It can help us become aware of and acknowledge when we stuff up in order to course-correct. However, sometimes, the critic can devolve into something less constructive - beating us about the temples relentlessly, and at times triggering shame and a sense of feeling never good enough.
It can be tricky to notice when the critic switches on - it presents itself as the one true, infallible reality, which it is not. It’s quite the narcissist!
We’ve all done things we’re not proud of - actions taken, often many years ago, that will wake you up in the middle of the night and quite frankly, make you want to vomit (can you tell I’m holding on to some too?). The inner critic is an inevitable part of life. However, some factors mean that you may be more susceptible to being weighed down by a particularly nasty inner voice. These include:
Experiencing childhood trauma or abuse, including bullying and struggles in school.
Experiencing other traumas as an adult, particularly sexual or interpersonal trauma.
Growing up with caregivers that are physically or emotionally absent.
Growing up with caregivers who struggle with their own critic, and accidentally model this for us in various ways.
So - how to get rid of the damned thing?
When you find out please let me know, cheers. But seriously, I’ve come to the conclusion that annihilating this inner demon is not a realistic goal. As much as I want to shout it down for my clients, I can only, at best, shut it up for the briefest of periods before it begins to hassle them again.
Instead, challenging the critic is something to be practiced - most likely, for our whole lives! It’s our job to work towards being our own coach. Aim to cultivate an inner voice that acknowledges areas for improvement, but is kind and encourages growth rather than a sense of paralysing helplessness. I’ve never had a Personal Trainer, but I know I’d much prefer one that notices strengths and boosts me up than one that yells and calls me “useless” whilst spraying spittle on me.
Availing yourself of others’ experiences also helps. I’m lucky I get to delve into the experiences of my clients - it’s a comforting reminder I’m not alone in my own stuff; we’re all equally messed up as each other! You might be able to find some solidarity in literature or resources like the School of Life Youtube channel - check it out for some surprisingly uplifting home truths about the self and relationships. Or else, try talking to your friends!
There is more to be said on self-compassion, but I’ll examine that in a future post. Hopefully this has brought your critic into focus, and given you the space to identify it as something of a mean girl as opposed to a universal truth - a good starting point!