Missed connection
Many of the people I work with come to me with a sense of emptiness that’s kind of fermented quietly within them for some time, the source of which they can’t quite put their finger on. In some cases, we’re able to trace this back to a feeling of disconnection in their lives.
When I refer to connection, I’m talking about the sense of seeing and being seen by another person. And I mean really seen - heard, known. At least in part. To be connected to someone is to feel that they get you, or that they are curious about you and your experiences and are trying to get you.
A lack of connection is a problem that’s actually become a bit more widely known of late, with our new socially distanced world leading to increased isolation for many in the most literal sense. However, the loneliness that comes from not feeling connected to those around us - though we may be surrounded by a partner, friends, and family - is a more enduring and less acknowledged kind of disconnect.
It’s important to realise that many of us have been brought up in families where emotions are not discussed, and where vulnerability and speaking about our inner life is avoided. This could be a scenario in which emotions are perceived as weak and are punished or mocked, but equally might have the appearance of a very happy and harmonious family - seems great, but problematic if the pains and injustices of life are never acknowledged.
It’s very normal that not all of our relationships will involve deep, emotional connection, but if you’ve not been exposed to openness early on, you might one day come to the realisation that many of your relationships exist primarily at a surface level. Although you might have lots of social engagements and plenty of fun, this too could contribute to loneliness - even mask it. True connection comes only through the ability to be vulnerable with those we care about - something that’s hard for us all, no matter what emotional training you’ve had. If you find yourself avoiding hard topics, suppressing your struggles, and always responding with “I’m fine,” it’s probably a good idea to ask the question: how connected do you feel in your life?
How to start the work of becoming more connected with others?
With your partner: spend time with the TV and phones off; ask questions and be curious about what’s going on in their life and their head. If your partner is seeking your attention - whether directly or in a more subtle way (i.e. possibly annoying to you way) - give it to them. Find out where they’re at, and offer up some of what’s going on in your own head.
With friends: try to schedule time or a chat with someone. Even better, try to make it a regular thing. Be real - re-think that “I’m fine” response as a starting point.
With your community: get involved in volunteering, clubs, a class, anything! Granted, this is unlikely to lead to immediate depth of connection, but will help you build awareness of others’ experiences, and will challenge you to share more of your own.
Most importantly, you need to get comfortable with the discomfort of vulnerability. More often than not, opening up about something you’re worried about or feel shame about with someone you trust will “level up” your relationship - they’ll usually share something of their own straight back, which can be a great comfort. This is a big step if you are extremely avoidant of vulnerability, so you may first need to spend a bit of time with yourself or your therapist understanding how past experiences could be making connection extra-scary for you.